Revelations and Realizations

As I drive to class every Tuesday and Thursday, I always dream about later that day when I get to FINALLY drive home. I hate being around people I don't know and in a place where I am only known as a student number. I have been trying to trick myself into believeing that I actually like my college, but I know deep in my heart that I absolutely hate it!

Today, I drove all the way to Pittsburg from Iola only to turn right back around and come home. I can't help but think that I just wasn't really meant to go to a university. As much as I absolutely hated living in El Dorado, I love Butler Community College. The professors actually know your name, everyone's name for that matter. They cared about what was going on in your life and the student as a person in general. To them, the students weren't just a number or a dollar sign. I have had a HUGE revelation about this school. I want my family and husband to be very supportive and open-minded about my decision. I know they will love me no matter what my decision was. I don't want them to be dissappointed in me. I know they will love me no matter what though.

My decision about school is..........I WANT A BREAK! I want to be free of the everyday stress that is on my back to perform well on exams and quizzes and the quintessential everyday assignments. I make up excuses every day I go to class to try to get out of it. I know that I am not giving my best to each and every one of my classes and I know I am better than this! I want out of Pittsburg State University! I'm not saying that I don't ever want to go back. I just want the rest of this semester and next semester off. I want a chance to live my life! I just can't let this time of me being uninspired by school affect my entire future!

I also realized on my way home that the hostile feelings that I have toward a certain person in my life, not family, my LIFE right now, is because I am channeling my feelings about school towards him. This guy is 0ne of my very good friends and I know that he would never intentionally do anything to make me mad or disrespect me.

I prayed on the way home from Pittsburg that God would be with me when I told my husband and my parents about this. I know that I can do this with Him by my side. I just hope He can help my family understand me and my feelings.

I'm going to start with my husband. Wish me luck!